Living with your children

When you find out that something is natural in your child which you thought was naughty, you can breathe more easily . . .

When you find that some feeling in you is normal that you thought was not, you can take things in better spirit . . .

When you get some concrete and practical examples and principles, and some help and guidance, you can feel more assured.

LIVING WITH YOUR TEENAGER does not mean giving up life for him. Living WITH does not mean only living FOR. Living for--when it stands alone by itself--by itself brings sacrifice. Living with brings fruition on both sides--on his and on yours.

In its best sense it means caring about and considering one another, accepting imperfections, mistakes and uncertainties. Living through the battling moments, not trying to evade them. Acquiring increasing sympathy for the impatient and irritable and irrational moments. Acquiring the ability to communicate strength and love through the struggling and unhappy moments that inevitably come. Enjoying the high moments, and cherishing the quiet moments of peace.

A teenager said cynically, "Parents are people who try to help you but don't know you well enough to do so."

Your goal is to be another kind of parent. One who helps his children realistically by knowing and understanding them well.

By now you have glimpsed that understanding of him involves also understanding of yourself.

Your feelings and his feelings are continuously jostling and meshing with each other.

The hopes you have had for yourself meet constantly with the hopes you have for him.

The doubts you have had about yourself meet with your doubts about him.

Your old and new fears and your old and new imaginings often press unrealistically into your relationship with him.

Out of your own youth you bring a wealth of memories to bear on his youth. Reevaluating these may take away some of your fears for him. They may enable you the better to feel with him, the vantage point of your adulthood giving you a greater sense of ease and steadiness with which to help him move more steadily through his tremulous reachings to become an adult.

By accepting yourself more confidently as an adult who has once also been an adolescent, you may come to accept him more warmly, thus helping him gain fuller confidence in himself.