What shall I do with these desires

Meanwhile, as we have recognized repeatedly, beneath the surface our adolescent is tremendously concerned with his feelings. He is pulling back from them, uncertain. He wants to like himself. He wants others to like him. He doesn't want to show or do what he believes is "bad." And yet the urges in him are strong.

Inside him expectation is warring with hesitance and hope is arguing with fear.

In some way, somehow, his body feelings must be managed.

He would like to ask: What can I do with these feelings? How can I control them without crushing them out? Please, can't you help me find some way that's safe and lets me feel I'm all right?

If we are to help him, we must keep in mind what we know well at this point--that even though the strength of his urgency is stepped up, the sex feelings themselves are not new.

Far earlier, in all probability, he found a way of gratifying the body feelings through touching himself.

With the unfolding interest in sex and the fresh wave of feelings accompanying physical development, the boy or girl usually starts masturbating once again or continues it with a stronger and more irresistible urge. Then, if old feelings of shame and guilt persist, as they many times do, the increased urgency makes for greater conflict.

He tries to stop.

He can't.

He struggles in vain. Inside himself he suffers untold agonies. He feels himself a horrible failure. He can't like himself. How can anyone like him?

The misery of self-condemnation makes fear heavier in him. It makes him feel more than ever that he is "bad." He deserves to be punished or hurt.

And so he is all set to believe anew any old "horror" stories about masturbation that reach his ears from the outside or that echo inside from his "forgotten" past.

On a sound scientific basis we can say masturbation in itself does not mar body or mind. We can say that many boys and many girls do it. And that it hurts neither. It does not make a girl frigid. It does not make her less capable of enjoying sex when she marries. Nor does it make a man impotent. It does not drain his sap or waste his seed. There are millions of sperm cells in the testicles and new millions are constantly being generated.

"Like in a factory!" one teen-ager exclaimed in relief.

Asked Carl, another teen-ager, full of worry, "Are you quite certain Pop, it won't make you crazy?"

"No, it won't. That's a stupid old superstition."

The belief arose out of what doctors and attendants noticed in institutions for the mentally ill. People who are insane do often lose inhibitions. They lose their sense of time and place and do many things openly which ordinarily would be confined to privacy. This Carl's father made clear to his son.

Time and time again, a boy or girl feels that others can tell what they have been doing by looking at them.

"Isn't there a certain look about you? Or dark circles? Or a pasty, pimply skin?"

Such things are completely untrue.

So also is another worry that many parents have. "I've heard," said one, "that if a person masturbates, it keeps him solitary. He is apt to find too much satisfaction in it and won't bother then to seek satisfaction in more mature ways."

The person who has within himself emotional conflicts that make him withdraw may use prolonged masturbation well past the time when he could be marrying. If our youngster is a recluse and we know that he masturbates, our concern needs to be directed at removing the solitariness, not at removing the solace. Using the masturbation as solace is the result, not the cause. needs a solace. The more afraid he is, the more he needs it. Fear that he will be hurt by "giving in" to his sex feelings only adds to this need.

Occasionally a parent feels free enough and convinced enough inside himself to say casually, "It doesn't hurt! Not in any way."

Occasionally a parent can even add, "I was unwise to frighten you by silly warnings when you were little. I know now that that was one of the mistakes I made in bringing you up."

At best, masturbation can only be a substitute. Until the sex drive can permissibly lead to mature contacts and the culmination of love and mating, the problem remains of finding some means of temporarily handling sexual feelings.

Parents who know that the sex drive is strong know also that it will in some fashion have to be released. They know that stifling it and trying to keep it under entirely makes it more difficult to control.

"I've heard that when you play football hard enough, it takes care of the sex instincts," says Rod crestfallenly. "I certainly wish it would."

"They say if you keep your mind on higher things and are real, real busy, you won't have time for sexy thoughts," says Rhoda with equal discouragement.

Some adolescents cannot, other adolescents can and do manage to divert sex feelings into nonsexual channels. It's as if the urge to procreate biologically were transferred to the urge to create in some social or intellectual sphere.

Great and zealous devotion to a cause, especially in a group with others who are similarly devoted, may call forth so much creative energy that the sex urge diminishes in its place of importance.

Sometimes quite another thing is true. The fact that the sex urge is attached too strongly to fear may make it necessary to turn to so-called "higher" outlets. Fanaticism of one sort or another may be as much a sign of emotional conflict as is the sowing of wild oats. It is, however, rarely as shocking to parents. For it does not bring social censorship down.

Biological and social creativity do not exclude each other, fortunately, or man would not prosper. A healthy interest in artistic, religious or other modes of expression need not exclude a healthy interest in sex. However, the teen-ager who throws himself with wholehearted enthusiasm into activities ordinarily does discharge enough emotional energy to make the controlling and channeling of the sex urge easier.

This makes good sense.

He needs satisfying achievements, satisfying endeavors, sports and hobbies, outgoing friendly relationships, memberships in groups, taking part in social and religious activities.

Different youngsters will, of course, emphasize different things according to differing dispositions, strivings and tastes.

Different parents will also hold to different emphases and beliefs.

If you happen to be among those parents who feel that they do not want to say anything openly to their children, still if you can accept and understand inside yourself what their true feelings are--this will be all to the good. They will sense your understanding and this will be helpful in and of itself.